The Thirteen O'clock News
by The All Real Numbers Symbol
Summary: The Sonic gang gets jobs working on The Thirteen O'clock News! Sonic is the street reporter, Tails is the technician, Shadow works the desk, and more. Special thanks to godmario for letting me do this story. ON HIATUS
1. Welcome to The Thirteen O'clock News

**Dial R 4 Infinity Productions**

**presents**

**The Thirteen O'clock News**

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**T.A.R.N.S.: **And an extra big thanks to godmario for letting me do this fic. I really have no idea where this story will go, so we'll have to play it by ear.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any recognizable characters. I DO own Zelda Robotnic. This idea was origianlly godmario's but was tweaked by me after he gave me permission to do this.

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"Hey guys! Guess what!" Tails raced into the house he shared with Sonic and Knuckles. "Since Eggman's not attacking, and we don't get paid unless we stop him, I applied for some jobs for us. And we got the jobs! So did some of our friends!"

"Okay." Sonic looked up from his coffee. "What kind of jobs did we get?"

* * *

"News reporters?" Shadow asked incredously. "We're gonna be news reporters? I can't do that. I'm not a people person."

"I know." Amy said.

Sonic looked surprised. "Amy, what are you doing here?"

"I'm the director. Rouge is the producer. Tails, you can be the technician. Sonic, you can be the street reporter. Shadow, you'll be one of the people at the news desk."

"What?!" Shadow asked. "Can't I be the technician- or somebody who's not always in the camera?"

"No." Amy told him. "Zelda, you can do the weather."

"Yea!" Zelda cheered. "I like weather."

"Hmm." Amy thought a moment. "We need someone at the news desk with Shadow. On second thought, Zelda, you're going to the news desk. Silver will do the weather."

"Oh rats!" Zelda muttered.

"Alright everybody, we'll probably be rearranging the jobs later on, but for now, and we'll find something for everybody else later, but right now, we've got news to report."

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The camera came on, and the whole Station Square could see Shadow the Hedgehog and Zelda Robotnic on camera.

Shadow took a deep breath, muttered a death wish in Amy's direction, and started to talk. "Good evening, and welcome to Station Square's 13 o'clock news. I'm Shadow the Hedgehog, and I'd rather be anywhere but here."

Zelda gave Shadow an exasperated look, and then continued, "And I'm Zelda Robotnic. Cleanup is still continuing in the aftermath of the recent Black Arms invasion. We'll now take you to Sonic the Hedgehog, who's live in Westopolis."

Sonic had been giving a floating camera so could go on air (and because the only person who could keep up with him was Shadow, who was currently stuck behind a news desk.) "Thanks Zelda. Cleanup has been going on since the Black Comet was destroyed, but the Guardian Unit of Nations says it could be months before cleanup is complete. They've got several crews at work around the clock, but the damage is enormous."

"Thanks Sonic." Shadow said. "In other news, the Guardian Unit of Nations, along with local authorities is starting more street patrols in light of the upcoming holiday…"

Suddenly the lights went out, and everyone in Casinopolis, Station Square, Central City and the surrounding areas who were watching the 13 o'clock heard Amy scream. "TAILS!!"

"Sorry, wrong wire." Tails called back. A moment later the lights came back on. Undaunted, (and hating his current job as reporter), Shadow continued, "In light of the upcoming holiday weekend. And now, here's our trial weatherhedgehog Silver with the forecast.

"Umm…thanks," Silver said, "I think. Alright," Silver moved to the three day weather forecast. "Tomorrow we're expecting partly cloudy with a chance of rain. On Thursday we should see some overcast skies, maybe some sun peeking through the clouds. Friday we're expecting a sunny day with temperatures in the…" Just then Silver looked up and saw a light falling down. He jumped out of the way just as it landed where he'd been standing.

Behind the camera, Knuckles shook his head, then he swiveled the camera back towards the news desk. Zelda shook her head, and then said. "And that's it for the thirteen o'clock news. Thanks for watching."

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**T.A.R.N.S.:** And that's it for the rather short opening chapter of The Thirteen O'clock News.

**Nyoshi:** Please review, and tell us what you thought.

**T.A.R.N.S.:** And if you can come up with any funny news stories (they don't have to be true) please send them to me.


	2. Global Warming, among other things

**The Thirteen O'clock News**

**Chapter 2**

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**T.A.R.N.S.:** Here's the next chapter of The Thirteen O'clock News.

And I'd like to thank godmario and Randomaximus for their ideas and reviews.

**Nyoshi:** Be forewarned that this chapter touches on global warning.

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"5…4…3…2…1…and…action." The Thirteen O'clock News began.

"Today on the news," Shadow started. "Stuff happened. The end."

Zelda gave Shadow and exasperated look, and then said, "Good evening, and welcome to The Thirteen O'clock news. I'm Zelda Robotnic."

"Tonight we have a special news report on global warming by Sonic the Hedgehog. Sonic."

Sonic, who was in Antarctica, took it from there. "Th-th-th-thanks Z-z-z-zelda." Sonic shivered. "Glo-lo-lobal w-w-arming has become a t-t-t-top s-s-s-tory over the years after the discovery of th-th-th-the ozone hole. And boy, do-do-do I wish it would w-w-w-arm up around h-h-h-ere. A-a-after the discovery of th-th-the o-o-ozone h-h-h-ole… Oh for-for-forget it." Sonic said. "I'm fr-fr-freezing my tail off out here."

Sure enough, Sonic's floating camera zoomed in for a close-up, and they could all see a tiny icicle on Sonic's tail.

"If you n-n-need me I'll be in the B-b-b-Bahamas." Sonic turned off his floating camera, grabbed it, and raced away.

"Uhh…Thanks, I think." Zelda said.

Shadow took it from there. "Notorious villain Dr. Eggman has attempted to sue a local dry cleaner after they lost his favorite 'I Am the Eggman' shirt. Not only did Eggman lose the lawsuit, but he was arrested and sentenced to life in prison for his villainous acts. This just goes to show that…"

Tails cut in. "Eggman's shirts are dumb?"

"No." Shadow said. "Well, yes, but something else."

"Don't talk with your mouth full?" Knuckles suggested.

"Knuckles, what does that have to do with this story?" Shadow wanted to know.

Sonic walked back into the building with his mouth full of chilidogs. "Oh, I know what it means," he said.

The camera switched back to Shadow. "Point taken, but no. What it actually means is that when someone comes up to you and offers you a job as a news reporter, along with a bunch of losers, just say no."

"Shadow!" Amy screamed. "That is not how the story ends. Now tell it right!"

"Can I be fired?" Shadow wanted to know. "No!" Amy told him. "Can I see my contract?" Shadow asked. "I'm not going to eat it or anything."

"What where you going to do with it?" Amy asked.

#Shadow's Imagination#

_Shadow came home after a long day of work, and saw the little dragon Matches laying on his 'Welcome to Leave' mat. "You hungry Matches?" Shadow asked. Matches' head popped up. "How 'bout a nice, juicy contract?" Shadow held the contract out to Matches. Matches ate it. "Yes!" Shadow threw his head back and laughed maniacally. _

#End Imagination#

Throughout Station Square, Westopolis, and the surrounding cities, chirping crickets could be heard.

"Oh, nothing." Shadow replied.

"No!" Amy screamed. "Now finish the story!"

Shadow muttered something not worth repeating under his breath, and then continued: "It's always easier to by a new shirt than to sue the dry cleaners."

And now," Zelda began. "We take you to our weatherhedgehog, Silver, who has our three-day forecast."

Silver was once again in front of one of those giant weather map thingies. "Thanks Zelda. Tuesday we're expecting partly cloudy with temperatures up in the seventies (70s). On Wednesday it will partly cloudy with sixty-five percent (65) chance of…"

Just then Silver looked up and noticed a falling light fixture. "…Falling lights!" he finished as he jumped out of the way.

Off camera, Tails was trying to figure out what went wrong. "I thought I fixed those lights."

On camera, Zelda sighed. Just another average day at the studio of The Thirteen O'clock News. "This has been The Thirteen O'clock News. Thanks for watching, and we'll see you tomorrow."

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**T.A.R.N.S.:** There you have it folks. I wasn't too sure about this chapter, so please review and tell us what you thought.

**Nyoshi:** We love feedback.

**T.A.R.N.S.:** And if you have any funny news stories (real or fake), please send them to us. You might see them in a future chapter.

Special thanks to Randomaximus and godmario.


	3. Dinos and Dragons and Lights, Oh My!

**The Thirteen O'clock News**

**Chapter Three**

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**T.A.R.N.S.: **And here you thought I'd forgotten all about this story. I didn't.

Thanks to Dragonbreath1 and Dragon Girl for their help with the stories.

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It was pre-news hour, and the gang was getting ready to go on the air. Zelda was sitting at the main desk, going over the stories and putting on makeup.

Sonic snickered as he walked by. "Prima Donna."

Zelda heard, though, and hit him with a blast of fire, knocking him against the far wall.

"Oww…" Sonic rolled to his feet as Amy came into the room.

"Sonic, I have your assignments," She said as she handed him two papers.

Sonic took the papers, but not fast enough for Amy.

"Now get your butt to England!" She said as she booted him out the door.

Shadow was leaning against the wall, so far successfully avoiding the wrath of Amy Rose. Whit a shifty-eyed glance around, he moved towards a pay phone that was down the hall. Dropping in a few rings, he dialed a number.

"Operator, get me Dr. Eggman. Dr. Eggman, I was wondering if you we were planning to…oh…destroy the Thirteen O'clock news studio. You can't? You're in prison because you caught trying to sue over a shirt, and were arrested for previous crimes? Oh yeah. I forgot. Do you have any evil robots I can borrow?"

Little did Shadow know that Knuckles had had the camera on the whole time and had filmed the whole thing. A moment later, though, he found out.

Tails was walking by, and noticed something. "Hey Knuckles, why do you have the camera on? And why are you pointing it at Shadow?"

Shadow swung around and gave Knuckles a look that would have made Sonic turn tail and run, then homing attacked Knuckles, knocking him out of his chair but not hurting the camera. The two began fighting, and Tails decided it would be better if he just walked away.

Two minutes later, Amy jumped in with her hammer and broke up the fight. It was only then that Rouge pointed out that not only was the camera on, it was also broadcasting, and that it was time to start the Thirteen O'clock news.

That led to a flurry of rushing around. When everyone was in place, Zelda began.

"Welcome the Thirteen O'clock News, at coughwhatevertimethiscomesoncough." She attempted to smile. "We now take you to Sonic, live at the Loch Ness with a breaking story. Sonic."

Sonic was in front of the Loch Ness, talking into his portable Camera.

"First of all, Amy, the Loch Ness is in Scotland, not England. Anyway: A giant fishing obsessed cat has just caught the Loch Ness monster. (Your on-the-spot reporter is less than excited.)

Scientists from around the world are racing here to study this creature, which is right behind me." Sonic stepped out of the way, and everyone could see the Loch Ness Monster lying on the beach. Random bystanders were busily snapping photos of the monster, and two scientists in lab coats were making notes on their clipboards.

"And now I'm here with Big the Cat, who caught this monster." Sonic held the microphone out to Big. "So Big, what are you going to do now?" Sonic asked.

"Uhh," Big put a finger on his muzzle as Froggy, who was sitting on his shoulder, croaked. "I'm gonna throw it back in and try to catch it again." Big picked up the Loch Ness monster and threw it back into the water. "NNOO!!" The scientists were devastated.

Sonic shrugged. "Oh well. Easy come, easy go. This is Sonic the Hedgehog, signing out. Back to you, Shads."

Back at the news desk, Shadow looked up from his 'Ten ways to kill Knuckles the Echidna' list he was working on. "Stop calling me Shads. Anyway, here's Silver with the weather."

The camera screen turned too looked at the weather map. Then Silver came out. Actually, Silver's foot appeared first. When nothing fell on his foot, Silver cautiously poked his head out. However, he didn't do it fast enough for Amy Rose.

"Get out there!" Amy ordered as she booted him onto the stage.

"Umm…." Silver glanced up nervously, and then turned his attention back to the weather map. "Tonight we're expecting rain in Westopolis and Station Square," the statement was punctuated by a quick glance up to watch out for vengeful lights. "Tomorrow will be a pleasant day in Station Square…"

A light flickered, causing Silver to jump back, which resulted in his knocking down the wooden backdrop, which in turn knocked down the lights, causing them to spontaneously combust.

"Noo!" Tails wailed. "I _just_ got those lights fixed!"

The camera focused back on the news desk as Shadow sighed. "I work with idiots."

Zelda gave Shadow a dirty look, and then said, "Now we go back to Sonic the Hedgehog, who is now at Lake Loden, Cocoa Island. What do you have for us, Sonic?"

Sonic looked into his portable camera and started talking. "I'm here with Professor Jared Black who claims to have discovered a real live dinosaur."

Professor Black held up Matches the Dragon. "I believe I have recently found a miniature Stegosaurus." Matches showed off his perfect white teeth as he growled at the professor, then he escaped from being held and started to attack the man. "Ah! Help."

Sonic shrugged. "Oh well. Back to you, Shads."

Shadow tapped his muzzle. "That dragon looks strangely familiar." He shrugged it off a moment later. "And that's it for this edition of the Thirteen O'clock News. Hopefully, you won't be watching this next time."

"Shadow!" Amy screeched as the camera went dark.

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**T.A.R.N.S.:** I'm afraid this chapter wasn't as funny as the last one. Anyway, guess what I need? News stories! Real, fake, doesn't matter. Send 'em in when you review, and you might see them in the next chapter. Please R&R


	4. Technical Difficulties

**The Thirteen O'clock News**

**Chapter Four**

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Tails was wandering around the studio, making sure that everything was ready before the latest broadcast, when he noticed Knuckles typing away at the cues for the reporters.

Briefly, the two-tailed fox wondered how the echidna could type wearing those gloves, but then continued on his way, giving the matter no further thought.

It was too bad he didn't, for it would have saved a lot of trouble later on.

* * *

It was… the time when the news came on, and for once, everyone was ready. This left Amy feeling much relieved. Maybe everything would go right tonight. Still, she walked off the stage feeling that something was about to go horribly wrong…

"Lights, Camera, action!"

The apathetic black-and-red hedgehog known as Shadow began. "Good evening and welcome to the Thirteen O'clock News… Is the show over yet?"

Off stage, Amy began seething.

Zelda winced, then began speaking, "Tonight, our on-the-spot reporter Sonic the Hedgehog is interviewing his arch enemy, Metal Sonic. Let's go Live."

"Hey Zelda, I'm here with Metal Sonic." Sonic calmly stated the obvious. "He is busily working on his latest doomsday device. Let's go talk to him."

Outside the secret base, Metal was working on something that vaguely resembled a giant laser gun.

"So Metal," Sonic said as he held the microphone out to the robot. "Please tell us what this machine is for."

"I invented this to destroy my self-proclaimed arch nemesis, Sonic the Hedgehog." Metal told them.

Unamused by this, Sonic decided to point something out. "Um, hi. I'm standing right here."

"Excellent." Metal said. He then proceeded to swivel the gun around and hit the 'fire' button.

"What!?" Sonic jumped out of the way as the laser hit the spot where he'd been standing. He reappeared a moment later.

"Would did you do that for?!" Sonic demanded.

"I'm going to destroy you." Metal Sonic informed him.

"Why you little…" And with that, Sonic jumped on Metal Sonic, and began beating up the robot, sparking a fight between them.

The camera scene switched out, returning back to the news room, where Zelda sweatdropped.

"Um…thanks, Sonic…I think…And now we take you to Silver who has the weather report."

The camera screen switched to the weather map, but there was no Silver standing there.

Backstage, Amy was trying to force Silver onto the stage.

"Silver, get out there, it's time for you to do the weather." Amy said as she tried to push Silver onto the screen.

However, Silver, was having none of it, and had used his telekinesis to attach his feet firmly to the floor. "No way! I'm not goin' out there! Those lights hate me."

"Get out there and do the weather!"

"No!"

Finally, Amy pulled out her hammer and with a good whack, sent Silver flying out on stage.

"G-g-g-good evening everyone…for the extended three day forecast," Silver stopped to glance up and keep an eye on the lights, then continued. "Tomorrow will partly cloudy with an eighty percent chance of rain. The day after," Just then, Tails, who was flying up near the roof and working on the track lights above the weather map, accidently dropped a wrench, which landed right next to Silver's foot.

Notwithstanding, Silver was out the door at a speed that would have rivaled either Sonic or Shadow.

Amy sighed. "Hey Rouge, you'd better call Sonic and tell him I need him to go hunt down Silver and bring him back."

"Gee, maybe they should have let Zelda do the weather." Shadow observed. "And now we have special segment dedicated to a 'mystery hero.'" _How odd_, Shadow thought. _We've never done one of these before._

"This hero is best known for helping fight the Black Arms, which is odd, because he originally helped them, and was nearly responsible for the aliens' taking over the world. But this isn't the first time he's tried to destroy the world. Originally he helped Dr. Eggman use the Eclipse Cannon to destroy the world. Is he narcissistic, or just making up excuses to save the world? Whichever it is, we'd like to dedicate this newscast to Shadow the…" The words died on Shadow's lips as he realized what had just happened. He turned and sent another death glare at Knuckles, then promptly jumped out of his chair and began attacking the red echidna.

The camera screen went black, and then a note appeared on screen.

**PLEASE STAND BY, WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES**

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Meanwhile, over at the G.U.N. base, Captain Westwood was running the place for a week while the commander was on vacation.

He was sitting in the commander's office, with his feet on the desk, and was sipping coffee while watching the Thirteen O'clock News.

He watched through all the segments, including the one 'mystery hero' segment. He then performed a spit take with his coffee as he realized something.

"Hey, that was a confession."

He quickly picked up the phone and barked orders into it. "Quick! Get me a squad of soldiers, the Chaos Neutralizer gun, and a pair of handcuffs! Shadow the Hedgehog just confessed to almost destroying the world twice! Meet me at the Thirteen O'clock News Studio!"

With that Captain Westwood slammed down the phone, gulped down his coffee, raced out the door, and was halfway to the studio before he realized he'd forgotten his car keys. Now how did that happen?

* * *

Meanwhile, the studio was hastily put back together, and everyone was getting back in their places.

"Alright…" Rouge called. "We're going back on air…now!"

"Sorry about that." Zelda spoke into the camera. "We…"

But before she could say another word, a group of G.U.N. soldiers burst down the door and swarmed the studio. They pulled out a huge gun and shot Shadow with it, causing the black hedgehog to freeze up and fall out of his chair.

The G.U.N. soldiers then promptly dog piled and handcuffed the poor hedgehog, and dragged him out the door.

"What the heck is going on here!?" Amy Rose fairly screamed.

"I was watching this news broadcast when I realized that Shadow the Hedgehog just confessed to nearly destroying the world twice." Capt. Westwood told here. "Trying to destroy the world is a crime!"

"Well aren't you bright." Amy muttered under her breath.

"So we have to arrest Shadow the Hedgehog." Westwood explained. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go book that monster."

Westwood walked out the door. Confused, Zelda looked at Amy, who made a slashing motion across her neck.

"Um…we hope you enjoyed this edition of the Thirteen O'clock News, and we'll see you next time." Zelda ad-libbed.

The camera was turned off, and everyone began getting ready for the next days updates.

_Now what am I gonna do?_ Amy wondered. _Silver took off, and Shadow got arrested; we're gonna need more help around here until we get Silver back and bail Shadow out of jail._

After thinking it over a moment longer, Amy pulled out her cell phone and hastily dialed a number.

"Hi Vector, I was wondering if you could help me? No, I don't have a crime that needs solving, but I need some help anyways." Amy spoke into the phone. "But would it be possible for the Team Chaotix to come down to the Thirteen O'clock News Studio and help out for awhile?"

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**T.A.R.N.S.:** Yeah! Fourth chapter! I hope it was funny. Huh...I can't remeber who I'm supposed to thank for this one. Oh yeah, godmario and Dragonbreath1.

**Nyoshi:** Kindly review and leave us a news story! Heck, please review even if you don't have a news story.

**T.A.R.N.S.:** And we'll see you next time.


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